Lessons Learned

It is something to try to do the assignments that I parcel out.  I have been struggling over writing about my greatest or worst learning experiences for a couple of weeks now… Originally I was going to write about the birth and death of my daughter Jacqueline…but those 36 hours were really just 36 hours in my life.   Although the little time I had with Jacqueline, October 5-7, 1999, was powerful and is emblazoned in my memory, the impact that Jacqueline had on my life was far greater than those three days.  18 months after Jacqueline passed away, my brother Johnny at the age of 28 died of a heroin overdose.   A week after my brother died, I gave birth to my son Braden, and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter Georgia.  5 years later, my grandmother, Gladys passed away at the age of 96.  In the last decade I have had a front seat to the cycle of life and it has provided me with my most poignant lessons.

In a way my daughter Jacqueline made me believe in nothing…but myself.  Enduring losing her made me reconsider how I was choosing to live my life.  Her loss led me to believing in myself in a way that I never had previously.  I realized that I needed to be a force in my own life, that I could not allow myself to let life keep happening to me.  If I was in an unacceptable situation, I needed to change it for me and for my children.  Not taking control of my life had resulted in dire consequences for me, but more importantly for my children.  If I did not become a force in my own life, I would continue in a destructive existence that was unfulfilling and suffocating.  Jacqueline’s death and the feelings of loss that resulted, made me realize that life is finite and that I could not assume that things will work out because it should, shouldn’t it?  I came to realize that I could not assume that the worst thing I could imagine would not happen – it already had.  I got pretty good at imagining the worst things that could happen.  As time continued to pass and I lost my brother and then my grandmother, I realized I could sit back and just let things keep happening to me or I could try to enact positive changes in my life.
 
On the plus side the losses I have experienced taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined.  I realized I can and will survive any situation in which I find myself.  I have come to believe that there is power in feeling my losses, grieving them and then going on to live more fully, honoring those who are gone.  It might sound cliché, but for me it is true that facing the sadness, the devastation, has allowed me feel the joy that is possible in the simplest experiences like watching my other children as they grow, reading a book, walking outside, or laughing with a friend over nothing.    I have realized that happiness is not necessarily a destination, but rather a matter of embracing and appreciating everyday moments as they are intermixed with the seemingly endless trials of life.  There is no guarantee that people that are in your life today will be here tomorrow.  People die, cherished friends fade in and out of our lives, so I want to appreciate and enjoy them while they are here.     

The More Loving One

The More Loving One

W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well 
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.